The Solution to the Toilet Paper Shortage

There’s a pandemic spreading, viruses are shedding
Much of the world is in some kind of quarantine
Folks are panic-buying, in the nursing homes they’re dying
And overall, it is a catastrophic scene
Such a litany of probs, from shortages of swabs
Masks and other essential medical supplies
But one thing that’s gone missing that has everybody pissing
Should not determine who lives or dies

I’m talking about toilet paper, toilet paper
A commodity that usually abounds
Toilet paper, toilet paper
What shall we do if there’s none to be found?

Travel for miles and miles, folks are fighting in the aisles
To get their hands on another roll
Without some left to swipe, they’re using paper towels and wet wipes
Which are taking a terrible toll
All across the nation, from homes to gas stations
Water pipes and sewage systems clogging
It might be worth its weight in gold, in some places where it’s sold
Those loggers better step up their damn logging


If you find you’re at a loss – listen closely, boss
At least for this problem, there’s a solution
As is often the case, you’ll find it in a place
They call the Cradle of Civilization
You can spray it through a hose, and if you don’t have one of those
Don’t use your old t-shirt
Just a bottle of H2O and you’re all ready to go
Just aim and squirt