A Christmas Song

I’m a big fan of the season, I like this time of year
When everyone’s out shopping and drinking lots of beer
When folks are taking holidays to visit mom and dad
Telling jokes and stories about good times they had
But when I leave the house to go most anywhere
I find myself accosted and now it’s more than I can bear
So to the scum who run Clearchannel I must offer this rebuke
If I hear another Christmas song I think I’m gonna puke

Well I like going sledding, riding in a sleigh
In fact I might just take my kid to a good hill today
But if I hear those jingle bells ring one more fucking time
I might just lose my shit in Macy’s and commit an awful crime
Next time I go out shopping it won’t be a pretty sight
When I hear one more person crooning about Christmas being white
I wish I could make Sinatra eat his god damn uke
If I hear another Christmas song I think I’m gonna puke

I just love those furry reindeer and I’d like to see one fly
And I’d like to see a red-nosed one light up the night-time sky
But all five hundred versions of it make me feel so bleak
When I have to hear each one of them a thousand times a week
I don’t care if it’s a big band, rock & roll or what
Each time I hear that ballad I can feel it in my gut
I start getting queasy like I just swallowed Santa’s tewk
If I hear another Christmas song I think I’m gonna puke

Now I’m sure Frosty was a good guy, he was made of snow
And I’m sure that the North Pole is a place I’d like to go
But if they play that song again on the radio
Then there’s something that seems only fair for you all to know
Next time I go out to a restaurant or walk into a store
It’s quite likely I will make a big mess upon the floor
It will be an accident but it will not be a fluke
‘Cause if I hear another Christmas song I think I’m gonna puke

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“A Christmas Song” originally appeared on the 2013 online album, Everything Can Change. Some of the songs are very well-written, and the fact that so many of the most well-known Christmas songs were written by Jews is very interesting and all, but what happens in late fall throughout the US and many other countries is just horrific. Pop radio is bad enough as it is, as they rotate through a tiny selection of the songs they could be playing. But during the Christmas music season, which of course keeps starting earlier and earlier in the autumn, we are then subjected to an even smaller number of songs they rotate through, and for the most part they’re the same songs they’ve been playing since 1946 or so. Torture may be too strong a word, but it’s bad.

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